What T-Shirt Slogan will fit your mood for today?
- I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
- I pretend to work and they pretend to pay me.
- I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.
- It ain't the size, it's . . . no, it's the size.
- I thought that I wanted a career, it turns out that I just wanted paychecks.
- I plead contemporary insanity.
- Errors have been made, others will be blamed.
More reality
statements. . .
- It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living rug.
- There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
- The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
- There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
- Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
- You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
- The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
- You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
- Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
- You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing
Short Stories
Once upon a time 8 year old little Mary
and her mother are walking through the mall together one day.
"Mommy," says the little Mary, "how old are you?" "I'm not telling
you." replies the mother. "Why not?" demands the child. "Well,
that is something you will understand one day when you're
grown-up." "Mommy," asks Mary again, "how much do you weigh?"
"Never mind," answers the mother. "Why can't you tell me?"
"Because grown-ups never talk about how much they weigh. This is
something you will learn and understand someday." "Mommy," insists
the child, "can you tell me why you and Daddy got divorced?"
"Darling," responds the mother in exasperation, "that's something
still very painful for Mommy, and I really just can't talk about
it now."
A few days later, Little Mary recounts this conversation to a
friend at school. The friend explains how to overcome "All you
have to do is get your mother's driver's license. It has all the
information about any grown-up you want on it. You just read it
like a report card and it'll give you anything you need." So
little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks
into her mother's room while her Mom was cooking dinner. She
rummages through her purse and finds the drivers license.
After examining it carefully she walks up to her mother and says,
"I know how old you are! You are 35!" The mother is very
surprised. "And, I know how much you weigh. You weigh 136 pounds,
right?" The mother is shocked. "And, I know why you and Daddy got
a divorce." The mother, dumb founded asked, "Why?" "It's because
you got an F in sex."
A woman walked up to a
little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's
your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink
a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never
exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
